One of the things that comes up time and time again in my work, is the feeling of shame in the high achievers I work with. It can be shame related to not hitting a target or achieving a goal. But more often than not, it’s a bigger picture. It’s shame that you didn’t spend enough time being the great parent you think you should be, or that you launched a business and it hasn’t made the massive profit you wanted it to yet. It’s the overwhelming sensation that everyone is judging you for not being successful.
Sound familiar?
Shame is a complex emotion that can arise from a variety of sources. It is often related to feelings of inadequacy or failure and is typically associated with a sense of unworthiness or self-doubt.
There are a variety of factors that can contribute to the experience of shame, including:
- Childhood experiences: Shame can develop as a result of early childhood experiences such as criticism from parents or caregivers or focusing attention on achievements and attainments rather than values and purpose.
- Cultural and social norms: Social and cultural norms can create expectations and standards that individuals may struggle to meet, leading to feelings of shame when we don’t hit the bar we drew way too high, based on someone else’s definition of success.
- Trauma: Individuals who have experienced traumatic events may be more likely to experience shame, especially if they blame themselves for what happened.
- Mental health issues: Mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety can also contribute to feelings of shame.
- Personal beliefs and values: Personal beliefs and values can also play a role in the experience of shame. For example, if an individual strongly values success or achievement, they may experience shame if they do not meet their own expectations.
The problem is, when we experience shame, it puts us off. It cuts our legs out from underneath is. It allows feelings of doubt about our path to creep in. And ultimately, if we don’t get a handle on it, we quit. Because it’s easier short term, less painful, to satisfy other people’s views on success. And for a moment, we’ll appreciate the applause and positive attention. But suddenly, when we are alone, the walls will close in and we will feel sad and empty. Because we’re not living by our own set of values.
So the best strategy is to understand how to be a high achiever, WITHOUT giving into the typical pathway of only valuing outcome, particularly when that outcome is based on someone else’s idea of success.
We need to shift focus from achievement to process.
Here are some strategies that may be helpful:
- Embrace a growth mindset: A growth mindset focuses on learning and development, rather than just achieving a specific outcome. This can help avoid feeling shame when you don’t achieve a specific goal, and instead focus on the progress you’ve made.
- Set process-oriented goals: Instead of setting goals based on specific outcomes, focus on process-oriented goals that emphasize the steps you will take to achieve your goals. For example, instead of setting a goal to win a competition, set a goal to train regularly and develop a specific skill.
- Celebrate small wins: It’s important to acknowledge and celebrate small successes along the way. This helps build momentum and confidence, and reinforce the value of the process-oriented approach.
- Focus on effort, not just outcome: High achievers often put a lot of pressure on themselves to achieve specific outcomes, but it’s important to also recognize the effort and hard work that goes into the process. Recognize and celebrate the effort you put in, regardless of the outcome.
- Be mindful of negative self-talk: High achievers can be especially hard on themselves, and negative self-talk can contribute to feelings of shame. Be mindful of your internal dialogue, and work to challenge negative thoughts and beliefs.
The above strategies can often be easier said than done. So try and identify the things that you’re not so good at, and just try working on them a couple at a time. Because at the end of the day, success is just about a series of habits, which make you feel good about something, day after day. Eventually, you look back and see how far you’ve come…
For more help…
Get in touch! Everything I’ve described above are things that I work on with my clients day after day. Results don’t happen overnight, but one step at a time, we can help you get from where you are now, to finally feeling better about things and being on the path to where you want to be. You can email me at steviepotter@thewonderclinic.co.uk or check out my IG and DM me at @drsteviepotter